Friday, April 2, 2010

Conflicting Emotions

My sister called me the other day to talk about randomness. We chatted for about an hour while she did her chores. Then I heard Mom calling her from the other room. She yelled for my sister in miserable desperation, a sound that broke my heart and made me feel like a complete douchebag for thinking and writing all these things about her.

My sister ran to her and helped her with what she needed, all the while I heard Mom crying out in pain and frustration. I had a sudden strong urge to hop on a plane and fly home so I could help her.

How is it that these two very strong and very conflicting feelings about one person can exist within myself? One minute I'm ripped apart by near hatred. The next I feel overwhelming love and sympathy. How can that even be?

I told The Asshole about the cries for help and the way I felt like a douchebag. He told me that it was okay to feel what I felt. He told me I hadn't been lying when I said those things about her. Just because she's in a lot of pain and she's completely miserable right now it doesn't change the fact that those things really happened, he said.

He suggested I send her flowers. "She won't expect them and it might cheer her up a little," he said.

I had some flowers delivered today. All day I've been anxiously waiting for the phone call.

As fucked up as this sounds, I'm waiting for her to call and ask me how dare I even think about doing something nice after all I've put her through. If she doesn't already know about the communication with my biological mom she soon will. I think she'll take that as a slap in the face and I wonder if she'll pretend I don't exist after she finds out about that. It wouldn't be the first time I did something "horribly wrong" to piss her off and make her not speak to me.

But why do I care?

Throughout all the consecutive months I went through of the stupid, childish silent treatment all I could think about was how to make her stop being mad at me. Back then it wasn't like I was 2,000 miles away, either. I lived with her and saw her everyday. And everyday I would say hi when she walked through the door only to have her greet my sister who was sitting right next to me, even when my sister hadn't said a word to her. Then occasionally she'd "snap out of it" and ask me why the fuck I was ignoring her and hadn't even bothered to say so much as a hello.

And now, thinking about it, I'm wondering if sending the flowers was a bad idea. It might remind her that I'm a decent person and she's a bitch for hating me. Or it might remind her how much she hates me just because I'm me.

This makes no sense, does it?

I just wish I could switch off that little button that controls my feelings. As much as I hate her sometimes, all I can think about is what I can do to make her love me, to make her proud of me.

I didn't send the flowers because I expected a thank you. I know I won't get one. I sent them because I wanted to cheer her up. But who am I to try to cheer her up?

And here I go saying all this stuff, assuming that's how she'll react. Her favorite saying is "Don't assume". As my husband always says, "If every time I saw you I punched you in the face, would you flinch whenever I walked into a room because you assumed I was going to punch you again? Then there's nothing wrong with assuming she'll react a certain way if every time you have encountered that situation before she reacted that certain way."

I don't know. It just sucks. I never know how to feel. I don't know if I'm wrong to hate her, if I'm wrong to love her. I just plain don't know.

I missed a call on my cell phone earlier. It said "Mom" so I held my breath and called back. It was my sister. She was walking the dog and just wanted to talk.